Three Worst Chinese Torture Tests

    A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.
    It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides
    what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
    and under trees.

    One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.
    It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other
    buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the
    chimney implying someone is home.

    He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a
    beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes
    and says "What do you want?"

    The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks
    and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
    be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house
    for tonight"

    The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
    condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

    The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
    promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
    tomorrow morning"

    The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
    then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever
    known to man."

    "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
    Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live
    out in the wilderness all her life?

    Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
    showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was
    an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,
    it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl
    had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and
    well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
    throughout the meal.

    That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and
    they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
    The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
    himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that
    experience."

    Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
    on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on
    his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture
    test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

    "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as
    he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
    and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
    sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
    testicle".

    The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to
    be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the
    window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test:
    Left testicle tied to bedpost".